Or more accurately, The Gay Superbowl, as the Oscars have become known as. And as silly and ridiculous as that nickname is (seriously, what's a Gay Superbowl without nominations for John Travolta, Hillary Swank and Zac Efron?!) there is an small element of truth to it, because I woke up this morning with a ravenous craving for chicken wings, pizza and everything and anything related to the word queso.
You see, this year I was deprived of the Superbowl, the real Superbowl, the Straight Superbowl. Not that I gave a shit about missing all those first, second or even third downs, but I did miss the all American Superbowl tradition of gorging on a hodgepodge of fried disasters and artery cloggers, be it dips (onion, spinach) chips (bbq, sour cream, tortilla) and chicks (wings, fingers, breasts.)
This past Superbowl Sunday, I was sitting in Jackie's living room, eating a meal she made me of carrots, hummus, veggie patties and sprouts when she announced to me that the Giants won the Superbowl. (She found out via text.) The healthy meal I consumed that day was delicious, but I realized upon consuming the nutritious plate of greens, I committed a crime. Eating sprouts on superbowl sunday is a major faux paus. It's like a good Christian gorging on a Friday night dinner of Rump Roast during Lent. Like a good Jew downing non kosher Francis Ford Coppola wine on Passover. It's like vegan pariah Alicia Silverstone skinning a live bear and rocking it's fur coat for the Oscars. BLASPHEMY!
Well, today I make up for it. Today is Oscar Sunday...and if my refrigerator says anything, it confirms it is indeed the Superbowl.
And now that I've covered the pregame, let's move on to the game itself!
I am proud to present SNAX & THE CITY'S FIRST ANNUAL OSCAR PICKS!
Now, in the last few years, I've made it my solemn mission to screen every nominee in the main categories (Best Picture, Actress, Actor, Supporting Actress, Supporting Actor, Director, Adapted Screenplay, Original Screenplay)
I'm the first to admit that every single year I've failed in this goal. There is always that one film or performance that I just couldn't find the motivation to see. Be it Charlize Theron in North Country (you're dirty, you're in a mine, you're blue collar...you're a dirty, mining, blue collar serious actress, I get it already!) or Peter O'Toole in Venus (insert snarky Peter O'Toole joke here, I can't think of any!)
This year, I am proud to report I have accomplished my goal for the first time. Well, almost. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is stilllll playing on my DVD player as I write this blog. The pace/length of the film is directly proportionate to the neverending title of the film. (Where's The Englishmen Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain when you need it...) If I end my Oscar picks with Best Supporting Actor category, it's only because I'm trying to give Casey Affleck his fair shot at earning my support in his category. (You're welcome Casey!)
So, I've seen the movies, I've let them sink in, so let's get to the nominees. Now, I'm not going to list who I think is going to win, there are a million other blogs for that and the expected wins seems pretty uniform this year. (No Country, Daniel Day, Christie, Javier, Cate, Diablo Cody, etc.) Besides, there aren't many categories that are a true toss up (other than best supporting Actress. Cate better watch out because Ruby Dee's stock's on the rise. For those who saw her ponderous speech at the SAG awards, I pray that Ruby Dee is a Ruby Don't!)
I may have a BFA in Film, but I'm no film critic. That just means I got to write papers on the mis-en-scene in Die Hard. If you want real, critical film analysis, head on over to my friend Tom's Back Row Manfiesto (http://blogs.indiewire.com/twhalliii/)
where he goes beyond waxing poetic on films, he actually buffs and polishes them to their inner most truths. I, on the other hand, am just going to give you some random Brian commentary, pick who I want to win, and send you merry folk on your merry way....
BEST PICTUREATONEMENT - Otherwise known as "A Mole Through The Ages", as Bridget so spectacularly called it. Look, there are a lot of Atonement haters out there, and I can't say that I'm one of them. Problem is, I'm not a lover either. I just wish the entire film matched the energy, pacing, inventiveness, wit and intensity of the first 45 minutes where Director Joe Wright (not nominated!) cleverly and boldly sets up the doomed romance of Keira and McAvoy's characters, filtered through that little bitch Briony. Damn, what a little pheck.
I can't handle that name, Briony! and ultimately, I got tired with the film and Keira's teeth.
This film is relevant for being the only nominee for best picture that contained an unintentional ten minute ad for Revlon where Keira sits at her vanity and prepares herself for the night where she gets to show off her famous green dress. A dab of lipstick, a squirt of perfume, a brush of powder. Keira loved getting ready. Joe Wright loved watching her get ready. So they shoved it down our throats...
And it was probably the highlight of the film.
Except for Keira's teeth baring that is.
CHEESE!
JUNO - Yes, Juno, another film that has a lot of haters in the blogging community. Critics loved it, audience loved it, so of course, hipster bloggers need to trash everything about it....from the clever script to the inspired ensemble to the twee soundtrack to the whole pop "indieness" of it all. Juno is not my pick for Best Picture. In fact, I wish The Diving Bell and the Butterfly stole it's slot. That being said, I saw this film the day after Christmas, and let's just say the two hours I watched this film on the 26th were better than all 24 hours of the 25th. (And the 25th is my birthday. Me, Jesus and Ricky Martin!) From the brilliant Allison Janney's nail-centric character to Bleecker's hobbit chunk of a mother racing Juno up the stairs, the movie nailed it. And I honestly and admittedly teared up when Juno and Bleeker sing their duet to Anyone Else But You at the closing of the film. A film that can send you into constant cackles and brays of delight and can then eventually invest you in the emotions of the cartoons that Diablo Cody has written is a true achievement.
Sorry hates, Juno, while not the best film of the year, was one of my favorites.
MICHAEL CLAYTON - Look, the film was expertly crafted, with a stellar cast, inventive storytelling and a kick-ass Wilkinson performance, but to me this was just an A plus Grisham movie. And if I had to pick my favorite Grisham character, it's Darby Shaw, not Michael Clayton. NEXT!!!!! (that's for you Tom!)
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN - The first time I saw this film I was a nervous wreck. From Javier's first moment onscreen, I recoiled into my seat. It was only this last Sunday when I saw if for the second time that I was able to sit back and appreciate the film for it's true awesomeness. It wasn't the underlying tone of doom, of the decline of our father's America or the ominous sense that you can't run from what's coming that scared me. It wasn't even that fucked up oxygen tank/weapon that had me shitting my pants. It was that freaking pageboy. Girl needed to get her hair did....
Only the Coen brothers could get away from it. And for their achievement alone, I should grant them the SNAX IN THE CITY pick for Best Picture. The film deserves a best picture Oscar. But No Country For Old Men will have to settle for being Hillary Clinton this year. And not because both share unfortunate hair. Any other year, Hillary would be the front runner to secure the Democratic nomination, just as No Country would be picking up Best Picture. And just as the uber-worthy Hillary may wind up second to Obama, the uber-worthy No Country will have to play runner up to this year's Obama, because my favorite film of the year was:
THERE WILL BE BLOOD - I am admittedly a PTA dork. When Bridget and I met writer/directorPaul Thomas Anderson at a Saturday Night Live after party in 2000, where he was a guest writer on SNL and I was an apple martini spilling intern, Bridget and I both totally orgasmed all over the man. We were ready to worship at the man's feet. In fact we did, slipping our email addresses into his pocket, begging to work with him. (Bridget's email being briecheese28@yahoo.com and mine being BriNYU12@gmail.com, he probably took one look at those unfortunate email names on the napkin, before using the same napkin to wipe off the cocaine residue on his table, so he'd have a clean surface to fuck the crying, sad mess that was Fiona Apple in her post Roseland breakdown When The Pawn days.
Point being, I worshipped the man. And for me, seeing There Will Be Blood was akin to God sending Jesus back down to earth. PTA came through for us, years after one of my favorites, Punch Drunk Love, and he's totally earned the crown of thorns around his head.
I could go on and on, but the man's a god. The film was the best cinematic experience I had this year...and of course, it's my pick for best picture!
Okay, so I have to be honest, the red carpet is starting in 10 minutes, and it deserves my full attention. Sally Kirkland is probably already waltzing around the red carpet as we speak. I actually love the first ten minutes of the red carpet the best, when the no-names and the crazies arrive. I wish I was with Rory during those first ten minutes. It's just too good.
Anyone, my point is that I need to wrap up this blog. This is my problem, I spent all my time rambling about snax, and now when I need to delve into the real content, with all the hours I've researched into watching these films, I've totally run out of steam. Give me a break, I haven't blogged in awhile, so I'm pretty tired.
Therefore, I'm going to race through my thoughts on the other categories. I've got 10 minutes before Emily Blunt storms onto the carpet with her dour face.
BEST ACTOR
GEORGE CLOONEY - Great performance. But I think this was a makeup nomination for getting snubbed for One Fine Day.
DANIEL DAY LEWIS “I drink your MILKSHAKE. *SLURP* I drink it up!” That's all I need to say. The man, the myth, the method actor! Winner!
JOHNNY DEPP - You know he and Helena Bonham did their own hair and makeup and reveled in applying their foundation. Johnny's never met a crazy white streak in his hair that he didn't like.
TOMMY LEE JONES - Beautiful, reserved performance. I just wish, like Johnny, he sang in the film. He had the perfect opportunity to do a Rihanna-esque performance to the title track "In the Valley of Elah-Elah-Elah, Ey Ey Ey, Under My Valley of Elah!" but sadly he whimped out. Get some balls, Tommy Lee Jones! Speaking of....
VIGGO MORTENSEN - Brains, beauty & balls. Congrats!
(Sidenote: E News is interrupting red carpet coverage for breaking Britney parental visitation news....I'm going to puke...but I hope they cut back if any real breaking news occurs. Imagine if she storms the carpet? Best Supporting Weave!)
BEST ACTRESSCATE BLANCHETT - Phenomenal, powerful, pretty...but I thought Angela Bassett could have done this part in her sleep, as the sequel to Elizabeth was basically How Elizabeth (Tried to) Get Her Groove Back!
JULIE CHRISTIE - Alzheimer’s chic! My runner up performance. Also, I know this is insensitive, but I found out that Alzheimer's is a great excuse to fuck around on your husband while you're in the nursing home. Also, Julie's Christie's onscreen husband, Gordon Pinsent, was the true heart of the film, and deserved more recognition.
MARION COTILLARD My pick, all the way. The beautiful, luminous french hottie Marion Cotillard's transformation into Rice Pilaf was my favorite performance this year. Her insane, hunchback troll/chanteuse was not only a brilliant metamorphosis, but hopefully, my next Halloween costume.
LAURA LINNEY - My second runner up. Linney is one of my favorites, a consistently solid actress and she was predictably moving in this role, even in her terrible hair. I pray that her curlz were a weave, speaking of Brit. She's almost uniformally frump in front of the camera, so I really hope she kills em on the red carpet tonight. I want her dress to be hiked up to her cooter. Now that'd be something you can count on. Ohhhhhh!
ELLEN PAGE - TCO. Total Cuteness Overload. I bet she has her ipod in on the red carpet. Sharing one ipod bud with one of the Moldy Peaches or the Crumbling Cookie, as someone called them. I'm mad I'm blogging during the red carpet, instead of reviewing the performances I'm now just anticipating their appearances. We all know Ellen Page is a mega talent and if Hot Topic customers were voting for the Oscars, she'd win!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTORCASEY AFFLECK - I just saw his performance a second ago. In fact, I think the movie might still be running. But my DVD player stops showing chapters after 80. Casey has been one of my favorites since To Die For. He gave a great, unnerving, scyophantic performance in this movie. Plus, he kept the mumbling to a minimum. After Violet, he's my favorite Affleck.
JAVIER BARDEM - My pick, duh! Look, I know who Javier is. I worshipped him in Before Night Falls. I know he's effing Penelope Cruz in real life. The entire time he was onscreen I kept telling myself this, trying to imagine him tackling Cruz to the floor, but no matter what my head said, my eyes were covered during much of his performance. I was always terrified he would pull out his oxygen tank and go to town on some poor ugly texas folk. His voice! His stature! His hair! Hair-ye! Hair-ye! I declare a winner! NEXT!
PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN - My hero, and it's not just because I have been told I resemeble him. He's the best of our generation, and should have been nominated for the powerful BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOUR DEAD, where he delivered the best male performance this year. He was the best part of Charlie Wilson's War, but when your rival is Julia Roberts, in that ridiculous hair/makeup/southern accent "why hello chhhhhhahlie" that's not saying much. He doesn't stand a chance tonight, but he's got his Oscar, so who cares. I hope he brushes his hair tonight! Long live PSH! He was snubbed for his role in Boogie Nights. Long live Scotty! In fact, he also could have won Best Supporting Actress and Best Sound Design.
HAL HALBROOK - The heart of Into the Wild, which was another overlooked film I loved. The ratio of tears spilled to minute of screentime was dead even. The man's eyes showcased his entire performance. I would love for this old stud to win, but he's nominated along with Javier Bardem, so a celebratory shag from his Designing Woman bride will have to be his reward tonight.
TOM WILKINSON - God, this category is full of amazing runner ups to Javier. Tom slayed the role, and without him, the film would not have grabbed all the nominations. His performance was operatic. The role almost made me forget about his role as a trannie in Normal. Now that role was truly fabulous....Alright, Will Wilkinson Winkinson?! Not this yearkinson. NEXT!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESSCATE BLANCHETT - I want to make love to this woman just so I can be inside greatness. I'd even do her in the Dylan getup. In fact, that'd be way hipper. All the ladies were fab in this category, but Cate was literally electrifying. I want to be in her. She's my pick!
RUBY DEE - This tiny thing is a powerhouse actress. That being said, I hope this tiny thing stays seated. If I see her pull out her glasses in preperation to read a giant speech where she thanks Mickey Rooney, I'll cry. Ruby's a gem, but a gem that needs to stay seated tonight.
SAOIRSE RONAN - Ugh! Briony is back! What a fucking little bitch. She got nominated because the girl who played older Briony was so bad, it made Sunshine, Soybean, Saorise, whatever her name is looked good by comparison. The girl has talent, but she's no Breslin. And I bet she's just as bitchy in real life. NEXT!
AMY RYAN- My Uncle Mike swears that Amy Ryan is Amy Adams. He said that Amy Adams was in Gone Baby Gone. No matter how I reasoned with him, he would not accept that Amy Ryan was the actress in the film. Therefore, I nominate Amy Adams as my runner up. She went from the charming Enchanted to the gritty Gone Baby Gone. Uncle Mike was right, we have a chameleon on our hands. Seriously, we do!
TILDA SWINTON - In a lesser film, Ashley Judd would have played this stock role and no one would have cared. You put a powerhouse like Tilda Swinton in this role, and people take notice. And that one scene where she's in her bra, looking disgusting in front of the mirror, rehearsing her false bravado is so brave. I wore a belly shirt and boxer briefs in a project I filmed last summer and I totally could not concentrate on the scene. The fact that Tilda looked hideous and stayed in character is a testament to this lady. I can't wait to see her crazy metallic pant suit she will show up in. She's a crazy and I love her. Quick question: I think she really is Wes Anderson in drag.
Honestly, has anyone ever seen Tilda and Wes Anderson in the same room?!?! Just asking....
DIRECTORPAUL THOMAS ANDERSON (THERE WILL BE BLOOD) - I already established he is Messiah. He deserves the Oscar, but I'm giving my pick to someone else. He already has the knowledge that he's not a mortal.
ETHAN COEN and JOEL COEN (NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN) They are Gods too. They deserve the Oscar too. (Not Josh Brolin, who thinks its all about HIM!!!!!!!!! for anyone who saw him on the SAG awards.) That being said, I'm spreading the directing love elsewhere tonight! These genuises will have to settle for the Snax int the City screenwriting award.
TONY GILROY (MICHAEL CLAYTON) - I would have liked his direction better if Darby Shaw was involved....
JASON REITMAN (JUNO) - His direction is underrated. The tone he pulled off in the movie is consistent, but c'mon how does he have a nomination and his father does not?!?!? Ivan's the man and Kindergarten Cop's the shit!
JULIAN SCHNABEL (THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY - This crazy's my pick! The direction of this film was so inspiring, I almost cried out of both of my good eyes. The movie was a literal work of art, and the true artist should claim this award. I could say the same of PTA and the Coens, but I want to spread the wealth. And I want him to display his Oscar in his pink mad house palazzo in Manhattan....Plus, as I whine how the red carpet coverage is still going on and I'm stuck writing, I only think of having to transcribe this blog by blinking it out in alphabet form and I get immediately humbled! I'm lucky to have two good eyes and a killer ass. NEXT!
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON (THERE WILL BE BLOOD) - He's too busy walking on water to get this award.
ETHAN COEN & JOEL COEN (NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN) - The brothers Coen are my pick! Incredible novel by McCarthy was turned into a classic film, with a restrained, haunting screenplay. Someone needs to give the Coen's their due...i.e Frances McDormand better get on her freaking knees. They deserve a happy ending tonight...both of them! You know they get it on together. Incest is best!
CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON (ATONEMENT) - This blog is so long I've forgotten what happened in this movie. Seriously.
RONALD HARWOOD (THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY) - Blink 182, the movie!
SARAH POLLEY (AWAY FROM HER) - I love how the checkout girl from GO is now an Oscar nominated writer. I never thought Polley had the strength to walk a dog, let alone write and direct a movie. I guess she's not as anemic as I thought....
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAYBRAD BIRD, STORY BY BIRD, JIM CAPOBIANO AND JAN PINKAVA (RATATOUILLE) - Great film, but I prefer some of the other Pixar work better, including Brad Bird's The Incredibles. Besides, the only rat that deserves a nomination this year is that Atonement bitch!
DIABLO CODY (JUNO) - What the blog, I totally fell for it. She wrote the script in a Starbucks, which gives me hope, as I like to write at Koo Koo Roo! I also love her stage name. I'm writing my scripts as Briony Breiss, my bitchy alter ego. She's my pick!
TONY GILROY (MICHAEL CLAYTON) - I'd like the script better if Darby Shaw was involved!
TAMARA JENKINS (THE SAVAGES) - The script was savage and fierce. Sorry, it's the gay superbowl, I had to use the word fierce.
NANCY OLIVER (LARS AND THE REAL GIRL) - My runner up! I was totally taken with this movie and funny enough, I really identified with this film, and so did my sex doll, Cletus!
Enjoy the Oscars!!!!! Cletus and I sure are....
I'm going to defrost all my goodies...
And I typed too soon earlier. John Travolta, minus his weave, is now prancing and posing on the red carpet. It really is the Gay Superbowl now!
P.S. Fingers crossed for Once in the Original Song Category!
TOUCHDOWNNNNNNNNNNN!
