The Man Who Would Be (Burger) King

Huckabee, Obama enjoy huge night in Iowa.



DES MOINES, Iowa (CNN) -- Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee have claimed victories in Iowa's first-in-the-nation caucuses.

With all Democratic precincts reporting, Obama had the support of 38 percent of voters, compared to 30 percent for John Edwards and 29 percent for Hillary Clinton.

With 92 percent of Republican precincts reporting, Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, had the support of 34 percent of voters, compared to 25 percent for Romney.

Okay, timeout! So suppose, for just a moment, that the primary ballots cast by the good, decent people of Iowa (can I get a Muscatine shout out?!?) are reflective of our country as a whole, and that this year's upcoming presidential election will feature a showdown between Obama and Huckabee.

You with me here?

Obama vs. Huckabee....Who's it gonna be?

The answer is simple, and you don't need to look at each candidate's voting history or campaign promises to figure it out. It's all on the surface. Just open your eyes and look.

That's what we do, isn't it?! People are talking, but who's really listening? We bloggers don't listen, we judge. We pin point and criticize. We throw a verbal dart. We gossip. We snark. We pfffffffft. We zoom in. We pffffffffft some more. We don't want to here what's being said if we don't like to look at where it's coming from. (Look at all the hatred spewed on Rosie.)

Take a minute and imagine 5 hungry and broke teenagers squished into a Chevy Prizm and ask them to collectively agree upon which fast food drive thru they're gonna hit up for some late night snax. If all five started shouting out their preferences "In & Out!" "Carls Jr!" I guarantee that the request being screamed from the heinous, sweaty beast who's cramped in the backseat will be ignored. He's the guy hiding behind a stained hood, pulled up to cover his matted, greasy hair, he's the guy who's already passing gas in the backseat with the windows locked up even BEFORE he's downed the white castle he's craving, he's the guy who's still got a bit of ranch dressing caked under his fingernails from last night's binge...that utter slob of a man is NOT going to be the first person you're listening to.

Now, if you're the tall, attractive, guy in the driver's seat it's another story. We're talking about the guy who's saying the right thing, the guy who's doing the right things, but making it look cool, most importantly, he's the guy that has the look, not a look, THE look, a look you want to get behind. Now, I can guarantee you that once THAT guy (the guy!) makes a bold stand for something different, something new, something that serves their sandwiches toasted, once he takes a stand behind it, promises it's greatness and offers to drive them there, I believe everyone in the car is suddenly more than happy to stuff a Classic Italian Quizno into their mouths.

For better or worse, we can be a nation that focuses on what "IT" looks like, verses what does "IT" stand for. Today's top story on CNN.com was not the Iowa results, or even about the woman stranded in the elevator for two days (dumb bitch) it was the story documenting Britney's midnight joyride to Cedars Sinai in the back of an ambulance. Or as she was calling it, the Whambulance because Brit Brit's so sad these days :( I hear her weave had scabies and the fire department was called to the house to give a court ordered deep-pressure hosing to the infected weave. See, even I'm getting sucked in here. Which is my point exactly. As a country, we'd rather watch streaming paparazzi footage of a Starbucks swigging sad sack of a "singer" (she wishes) then follow the electoral process that will usher in a new leader who we are counting on to change our global image now than ever.

And the person that's going to benefit the most from our superficial on the surface society....

He's the good looking guy in the driver's seat offering to drive us to Quiznos...

Yes,

OBAMA!

Because at the end of the day, we have to watch the first family for the next 4-8 years of our lives, and honestly, which one's going to be easier to stomach?!

And yes, keyword is stomach. Runner up keyword: stripes?!?!



VS



When I close my eyes and imagine the idea of the "presidency", I am flooded by iconic, almost untouchable images. George Washington crossing the Delaware, Abraham Lincoln's monument towering above the reflective pool of water in our nation's capital, JFK and Jackie O waving to the masses, teeth and hair healthy and beaming.

When thinking of presidential majesty, I do not imagine the family sitting across from me at the Golden Corral, as they load their all you can eat buffet plates (with refillable beverage of choice for only $8.99) with fried country fried steak fried chicken steaks and steamy piles of steamed shrimp, which they will proceed to peel and complain how the slippery lil suckers (anyone?) aren't juicy enough. Now, I wanted this blog to stay politically neutral, non-partisan snax in the city, but by golly, I'm taking a stand and I hereby pronounce that I'm hope the next time CNN reports that Huckabee enjoyed a Huge Night in Iowa, it's at the local Waffle House with a quivering tower of silver dollars piled on his plate! This guy's the chunk wedged in the backseat of the Chevy, screaming about his disgusting cravings, wanting us to give in to his weaknesses, I'm not listening. Someone put a piece of bread in his mouth.

On the flip side, I'm not saying that Obama has the picture perfect portrait. The black and white decision is way too strategic. The Huckabees may have looked like the Pitt-Jolie clan if they chose a flattering black and white theme over their color-coordinated stripe disaster. Moving on, I also take issue with Michelle Obama. For starters, she's smuggling god knows what in those cheeks of hers, and she's almost taunting me with her puckered lock down of a smile. I look at the picture and want to ask her "Whatchu got hiding in those cheeks, Shelly?!" But she does not answer. She instead chooses to taunt me in the photo and I suddenly can hear Brittney Murphy from that damned Michael Douglas movie where she plays a locked up crazy with a secret, and her voice is suddenly Michelle Obama's voice and it answers my query with an annoying "I'll never tellllllll......"

In summation....

Our candidates need to inspire our nation to reach for something grander, to reach for something greater, not to reach for something extra mayo-ey. The only inspiration I get from the Huckabee card is inspiration to pitch a new reality show to NBC while the writers are still on strike, it's called The Biggest Loser: Commander in Chief Edition!

Peace, Love & Huckabee family sized super Snax for all,
Brian